The following is an absolutely true 100% accurate transcript of a recent conversation with one of our sales team from a gentleman from Yorkshire:

us: Good morning. How can we help you?
yorkshire: I am searching for a large loft:
us: excellent. have you just started looking or have you been searching for a while?
yorkshire: bloody ages. All the lofts I am seeing are crap and fall apart as soon as you lay a finger on them
us: OK. Where have you been searching so far
yorkshire: all over the sodding country. Everyone I speak to pretend to build solid lofts but they are all a bunch of liars. I saw a couple of lofts in Hull recently but they were crap I tell you – crap crap crap. I would not have put a rabid dog in any of them let alone my prize possessions.
us: so you are want to buy a loft for someone in your family.
yorkshire: the’re the only family i have. They always come home without fail and I am dead proud of them
us: If you ahve been looking at lofts all over the country, why do you want to try looking in London? Are they moving to London?
yorkshire: They will go where ever I tell them to go you know, but they always come back as I said.
us: what kind of loft are you looking for?
yorkshire: don’t need to be nowt posh ya know – but i needs to be as large a possible that they can find easily and get in and out of quick
us: how much are you looking to spend?
yorkshire: i dunno really. would 400 get me somit good – one of those designer type lofts – you know – the ones in the magazines. I would luv to stick it to George from The Plough (a pub, we assumed!). He has a bloody rotten loft, leaks everwhere and smells really bad. He never cleans it – a bit like himself (huge hearty laughing goes on for a minute or so.
us: I can assure that what ever we may have to show you, they certainly won’t smell – but perhaps of freshly made bread.
yorkshire: So that’s your trick for getting me to part with more of me hard earned readies. (loud chuckle again)
us: well we have a couple we could show you. When do you plan to be in London and will you be bringing the member of your family who you want to buy it for?
yorkshire: what do you mean? They don’t need to sodding see it. They are not going to be there that much. I am entering them for competitions all over the place all the time. No time to get too comfortable. They will just ‘av wot I give ‘em. Wot a daft question sonny! No wonder you southerners all drive round in those german cars. You ask daft questions and charge twice the price of the rest of the country. Anyway, back to business. Can you send me some pictures of wot you got sonny. I am not going to come all the way down ‘t’ smoke for not-in.
us: Everything we have is shown on our website. Pictures, Floor plans, location maps, HIP reports etc.
yorkshire: Now you are really pissing me off laddie! What the ***k to you mean – Floor Plans’. Do you put ******g kitchens & bog in ‘em or somit? I just need a loft – not a bloody hotel!
us: I think I must have mis-understood you. Apologies. Have you looked at our website yet?
yorkshire: No, not yet. I just chucked in ‘lofts’ into google and up came your name and number to I called you – in the old fashion way – by telephone. I don’t believe in all this email bollocks – i like to hear the man I am speaking to. You learn alot about who you speak to just by the way their voice is – difficult with you though coz all southerners sound the same you know – different bloody language up ‘ere. Anyways, I am at me son’s house. He’s got the computer so let me take a look at your website. Give us a few minutes……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..(about 10 minutes later)

yorkshire: You laddie are ‘avin a ******g laff! I don’t want one of those soft southern bastard posh loft properties you daft git. I WANT A PIGEON LOFT – A LOFT FOR PIGEONS!!

Do you sell those? I might as well be phoning ******g Afghanistan. A  P I G E O N   L O F T. You know, those flying ******s that s**t on your head when you look up. Ya daft beggar. I should have reversed the charges!

us: We sell many very unusual and unique properties, but I am afraid that this time, I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Probably best I do not add you to our mailing list for new lofts – unless of course you have £400,000 available.

yorkshire: I don’t know who is the bigger chump but it’s been a laff laddie. Bye – bye.

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